I am Fujiwara, a child psychologist, and as an advisor to ToCo, Inc. I am involved in the development of support programs to face the problem of truancy. In this article, we will take a deeper look at specific methods and points to keep in mind under the theme of “how to talk with a child who is truant. We hope that this article will help parents who are struggling with truancy to gain new perspectives and approaches and build a positive relationship with their children.
CONTENTS.
- Chapter 1: The Significance and Foundation of Calling Out
- Chapter 2: Understanding and accepting children’s emotions
- Chapter 3: Speaking up for self-affirmation
- Chapter 4: Voices to Decompose Anxiety
- Chapter 5: Situational Approaches to Voice
- Chapter 6: The Importance of Continued Calls to Action
- Chapter 7: Taking Care of the Parents Themselves is Also Important
- Conclusion: Calling out is the key to the future
Chapter 1: The Significance and Foundation of Calling Out
When faced with the problem of truancy, many parents are anxious and confused, not knowing how to treat their children. In many cases, they feel particularly afraid to even speak to their children, and wonder what they can say that will not hurt them, or how far they can go. However, talking to the child from the parent plays an important role in alleviating the child’s sense of loneliness and creating an opportunity to reconnect with the surroundings.
The act of talking to the child is not only a form of communication, but also an important action that helps the child feel close to and secure in his or her heart. Since truant children often cut off contact with the outside world and close their minds, the first step is for parents to proactively convey the message, “I’m looking out for you” and “I’m on your side.
However, when talking to them, words such as, “Let’s go to school,” “Why can’t you go?” and “Why can’t you go? may be a way to push the child into a corner. Therefore, it is essential to know how to talk to the child appropriately and to respect the child’s feelings.
Significance of the voice call
Calling out has a wide range of effects on children.
- Affirmation of self-existence: feeling that “parents care about you” can reaffirm the meaning of your existence.
- A sense of security: When one’s feelings are accepted without denial, anxiety and tension are reduced.
- Foundation for problem solving: The process of verbalizing one’s feelings helps to organize one’s concerns.
As these sensations build up, the child feels more comfortable talking with the parent and is more likely to open the door to his or her heart.
Attitude as a basis for voice communication
What is especially important when talking to a child is to have an attitude that is attuned to the child’s feelings. However, if empathy is shown in the wrong way, there is a risk that the child will become too dependent on the parent. Appropriate empathy is an attitude that understands the child’s feelings while at the same time supporting the next step. Specifically, keep the following in mind
- Hear the child’s words all the way through: Do not interrupt, but make an effort to understand the whole story.
- Don’t deny feelings: It is important to accept that whatever the child is feeling is a natural reaction.
- Share a positive perspective: Be empathetic to the child’s feelings, but also offer words of hope that will help them to see the hope that lies within them.
Chapter 2: Understanding and accepting children’s emotions
Children who are not attending school have various conflicts and anxieties in their minds. This not only manifests itself as a result of “not being able to go to school,” but also affects their small behaviors in their daily lives. However, it is difficult for them to precisely put these feelings into words themselves, and most of the time they are unable to communicate them well to their parents. As a result, misunderstandings and differences between parents and children may occur, further deepening the child’s sense of isolation.
In such situations, the first thing parents should do is to “deeply understand and accept the child’s feelings. In order to understand what the child is feeling and what is troubling him or her, it is necessary to continue the dialogue patiently and without haste. The important thing is not to judge what the child is feeling as “right” or “wrong,” but to show acceptance of the child as it is.
When the child feels that the parent “listens” and “does not blame him or herself,” the child will gradually open up.
Speaking to elicit emotions
Asking directly, “Why aren’t you going to school?” is likely to create pressure. Instead, use softer expressions such as the following
- “What are you concerned about? Let’s figure it out together.”
- “Let me know if you ever want to talk about school.”
- “How did you feel this morning?”
These words have the effect of making children feel that their parents are on their side.
[Sample conversation between parent and child].
Parent: "You seem to be having a hard time going to school lately. How did you feel when you woke up this morning?"
Child: "My stomach hurt."
Parent: "You had a stomachache. Did something bother you?
Child: "I was afraid I forgot to do my homework..."
Parent: "You were worried about your homework. Thanks for telling me."
In this way, by carefully listening to the feelings and accepting them without denial, the child’s anxiety can be gradually eliminated.
Chapter 3: Speaking up for self-affirmation
Children who are not attending school often suffer from a sense of self-denial that they are not good enough and that no matter what they do, they cannot succeed. This sense of self-denial may be reinforced by experiences of failure in school or by unconscious pressure from parents or teachers. For example, in many cases, problems with friends or stumbling in studies trigger a feeling of “I am inferior to other children,” from which the child is unable to escape.
When self-esteem declines, the child believes that “there is no point in doing anything anyway,” and gradually loses the desire to try new things. As a parent, in order to break this negative spiral, you need to find your child’s small successes and efforts and recognize them concretely. In particular, for children who are not attending school, praising “small things done at home” is a big step toward regaining a sense of self-esteem.
Specific voice to recognize efforts
No matter how small the effort, it is important to affirm and praise it. Be sure to be specific and communicate growth and changes that the child may not have noticed.
- “You got up by yourself yesterday! That’s great.”
- “You look a little better today. I bet you worked hard on yourself.”
- “Thank you for letting me know how you feel. That means a lot.”
This specific acknowledgement of actions and feelings helps foster a positive attitude that “there is something I can do.
[Sample conversation between parent and child].
Parent: "You ate breakfast today, didn't you?"
Child: "Yes, but I didn't go to school..."
Parent: "You may not have been able to go to school, but eating breakfast is very important. That alone is a step forward.
Child: "Is that so...?"
Parent: "Yes, it is. It's okay to do a little bit every day, so let's work together.
When children are recognized by their parents for their specific efforts, they are more likely to gain confidence.
Chapter 4: Voices to Decompose Anxiety
The anxieties that truant children face are not simple. Behind vague thoughts such as “I am afraid of school” or “I don’t want to see my friends” are intertwined with multiple smaller anxieties. For example, “The teacher might get mad at me,” “I feel like my friends don’t like me,” “What if I forget to do my homework,” etc. These specific fears often pile up and are felt as one big anxiety.
If these anxieties are left untreated, the child may feel that there is nothing he/she can do about it and may become even more confined. Therefore, it is important to “break down” the anxiety and separate it into specific elements. By clarifying each element and organizing with the child what he or she is afraid of and where to start, it is easier to find a path to a solution.
A Framework for Deconstructing Anxiety
The “sensing,” “thinking,” and “acting” framework can be helpful for parents and children in sorting through their anxiety. For example, proceed as follows
- Sensation: “What makes you feel afraid?” (physical and mental reactions)
- Thought: “What do you think about?” (specific images that come to mind)
- Behavior: “What action are you taking at that moment?” (specific reactions and actions)
This will help to make the concerns more concrete and provide a solution.
[Example of parent-child conversation: breaking down anxiety
Parent: "You are afraid to go to school. What do you think is scary about it?"
Child: "I am afraid that the teacher will get angry with me.... I'm also afraid of what my friends will say to me.
Parent: "I see. Which do you find the most painful, being scolded by the teacher or being told off by your friends?
Child: "Well, maybe my friends..."
Parent: "You are worried about your friends. Let's start from there and think about it together.
This breakdown of the child’s anxiety allows for a specific response.
Chapter 5: Situational Approaches to Voice
The causes and background of truancy vary greatly from child to child. Fear of school life, trouble with friends, stress at home, and many other factors are often intertwined. In addition, even with the same cause, each child feels and perceives things differently, so in order to respond appropriately, parents need to understand their child’s situation accurately and take a tailored approach.
For example, if a child has a strong fear of school life, it is necessary to talk to the child so that he or she can gradually face this fear, rather than trying to force the child to go to school. On the other hand, if the child is having problems with friendships, questions and encouragement that help the child sort through the experience can be effective. In this way, flexibility in responding to the situation is essential in supporting the child.
1. if you have a strong fear of school life
For children who have a strong fear of school, it is important to create opportunities for them to gradually confront their fears, rather than forcing them to overcome them.
- “I’d love it if you could tell me a little bit about your school.”
- “Shall we think together about what things frightened you?”
2. when interpersonal problems are the cause
If the relationship with friends or teachers is the cause of the truancy, we help the child to sort out his or her feelings while accepting the child’s emotions.
- ‘What’s going on with my friends?’ What kind of things are bothering you?”
- “Whenever you feel like talking, just let me know.”
3. When dependence on parents is strong
If excessive dependence on the parents is in the background, encourage the child to gradually become more independent.
- “How about you try something you can do yourself?”
- “Try a few things and let me know what you’ve done.”
Example 1: When there is a strong fear of school life
Parent: "How does it make you feel to be reminded of school?"
Child: "Um...I feel scared and I don't like it."
Parent: "You feel scared. What do you think is the scariest part?"
Child: "I am afraid of the teacher getting angry.... I'm also afraid of what everyone will say..."
Parent: "You are worried about the teacher and what people might say. Do you want to think together about what we can do to make you feel a little safer?
Child: "...yes, I'll think about it."
Parent: "Thank you. I would be happy if you could talk to me about anything, little by little.
Example 2: When interpersonal problems are the cause of the conversation between parent and child.
Parent: "Has anything been bothering you at school lately?"
Child: "I feel like I'm not getting along with my friends..."
Parent: "I see, you are worried about your friends. Can you tell me what's going on with them, if you can?"
Child: "Well... I had a fight with XXX and we made up, but it was awkward..."
Parent: "I see you had a fight with XXX. It's great that you were able to make up, but it still feels awkward.
Child: "Yeah... I don't know what to do..." Parent: "You don't have to force yourself to solve it.
Parent: "You don't have to force yourself to solve it. But it might be a good idea to try to tell them how you feel a little bit at a time. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Chapter 6: The Importance of Continued Calls to Action
Resolving truancy often takes time, and the situation does not change overnight. Therefore, it is important for parents to continuously talk to and support their children. Parents may feel impatient and frustrated, especially if the truancy is prolonged, but taking this out on the child may have the opposite effect.
Continuous vocal communication gives the child a sense of security that the parents are always looking out for him or her. In addition, through continuous talking to the child, the relationship of trust between parent and child will gradually deepen, and this will lay the foundation for the child to open up again.
Key Points for Continuous Calls to Action
- Be consistent: Make a habit of saying something positive every day.
- Don’t overlook small changes: It is important to recognize small efforts and changes in the child.
- Avoid negative language: “Why can’t you do it?” instead of “What do you find difficult?” instead of “Why can’t you do it?
Example of parent-child conversation 1: Don’t overlook small changes.
Parent: "Lately, you've been getting up a little earlier in the morning."
Child: "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can go to school..."
Parent: "Being able to go to school is important, but getting up early in the morning is great. I feel like I'm taking a step forward.
Child: "I don't know..."
Parent: "Yes, it is. It's okay to take little steps forward, so let's be happy together that you are making progress.
[Example of parent-child conversation 2: Avoid negative language.
Parent: "What have you been doing today?"
Child: "Playing games..."
Parent: "I see, you enjoyed playing games. What kind of game was it?
Child: "A new one. It was a little difficult, but I could clear it!
Parent: "You were able to clear it even though it was difficult! Parent: "That's great. I'm sure that's because you concentrated and worked hard.
Child: "Yeah..."
Parent: "It would be great if you could use that concentration in other things. Let me know if there is something you want to try.
Chapter 7: Taking Care of the Parents Themselves is Also Important
For parents who support a child who is not attending school, it can sometimes be a great mental and physical burden to spend their days dealing with their child’s situation and feelings. When parents themselves become exhausted, they may unknowingly become rigid in their approach to their children, and their impatience and frustration may be transmitted to their children. In order to deal with their children, it is important for parents themselves to first have a relaxed mind.
Why Parents Need Care
When parents are under stress, it can be difficult for them to calmly accept their child’s feelings and actions. As a result, the possibility arises that the child may feel “not understood” or “blamed. On the other hand, when parents have an attitude of taking care of themselves, the entire family will have a calmer atmosphere and the child will feel more at ease.
Influence on children of parents’ attitude of taking care of themselves.
Showing parents that they are taking care of themselves conveys the message to their children that it is okay to take care of themselves as well. When parents have an open mind, children will be able to relax and enjoy conversations and time with their parents.
Conclusion: Calling out is the key to the future
The role of a parent supporting a child who is not attending school is to warm the child’s heart and build a bridge to reconnect with society. However, the process is not smooth and requires time and patience.
Changes brought about by voice calls
A parent’s voice resonates with a child’s heart, easing their sense of loneliness and helping them to believe in their own strength once again. Even if it is just a small step, the accumulation of these steps will become the foundation for a bright future for the child.
As an opportunity for parents to grow themselves.
The experience of not attending school can also be a valuable opportunity for parents themselves to deepen their bond with their children and promote personal growth. Both parents and children should take it easy and walk at their own pace, which will produce the best results in the long run.
In closing, we hope that the methods and ideas for talking to your child introduced in this article will be of some help to you. Please do not be in a hurry, but rather, be attentive to your children’s hearts and minds, and make the most of your daily dialogue with them. The accumulation of these efforts will be a big step forward.
| chapters | pivot | Action Required |
|---|---|---|
| Significance and foundation of voice | Talking to them is the first step in building trust and resolving truancy. It has a role in alleviating feelings of isolation and increasing self-esteem. | Be attentive to the child’s feelings and accept them without denial. Continue to talk to the child in a positive manner while showing empathy. Keep a consistently positive attitude. |
| Emotional understanding and acceptance | Since children have difficulty verbalizing their feelings, it is important for parents to elicit and receive them appropriately. Expressions that do not put pressure on them are effective. | What is hard for you?” Use soft words to elicit feelings, such as “What is painful? Listen to the end of the conversation without interrupting, and affirm the child’s feelings. Be mindful of dialogue that gives a sense of security. |
| Increase self-esteem | Children tend to have a sense of self-doubt. By specifically acknowledging small efforts and actions, we can foster a positive mindset and sense of self-affirmation. | Be specific when praising efforts. Acknowledge small successes, such as “You got up in the morning. Focus on the process, not the results, and encourage positive change. |
| Decomposition of anxiety | Anxiety is not a large, vague mass, but is composed of multiple elements. Breaking this down makes it easier for the child to face it in a concrete way. | What part of you is afraid?” and break down the anxiety and make it concrete. Work on one thing at a time, utilizing the framework (sensation, thought, and action). Adapt to the child’s pace. |
| Situational Responses | The causes of truancy are different for each child. Fear of school life, interpersonal relationships, dependence on parents, etc. require a flexible response to each. | Observe the child’s situation and choose the appropriate voice. For example, if the child has a strong fear of school life, do not force him or her to do so; for interpersonal problems, support the child in carefully sorting out his or her feelings. |
| Continued outreach | Although the effects of vocal encouragement may not be immediate, continued efforts will provide emotional support to the child. Consistency and patience are important. | Make a habit of saying positive words every day. Acknowledge small changes without overlooking them, and try to speak to them in a positive manner. Avoid negative expressions, and follow the child’s pace. |
| Care for parents themselves | It is also important for parents to have a relaxed mind. If they push themselves too hard, it will affect how they treat their children, so they should make a habit of working on themselves. | Do not keep it to yourself, but consult with family members or professional organizations. Have hobbies and time to relax. Alleviate feelings of loneliness by interacting with other parents who share the same concerns. |
About us
We at ToCo provide a service that helps students to re-enter school in an average of 15 days. Based on our representative’s own experience, we launched this service in order to solve the difficulties that families struggling with truancy face in dealing with the problem and the tendency for school attendance to become intermittent.
Some of you may also be puzzled by the recent truancy services that charge hundreds of thousands of yen. Our service continues to offer the lowest price in the industry, while demonstrating through our track record that cost and effectiveness are not proportional. Please take a look at our service details.